Update

 A lot of people have been asking my how I'm feeling.  That's such a hard question to answer.  I guess the best answer is "a lot."  I just feel a lot right now.  Grateful, sad, hopeful, afraid, blessed, overwhelmed...and the list goes on.  

Yesterday was a super emotional day.  I sat down to journal and pray in the morning and went to look for a verse that has really comforted me in difficult times before.  The verse I was actually looking for was Psalm 27:13-14 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."  Instead - I ended up in Psalm 37 and was immediately drawn to the beginning of verse 7 which says "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.".  At this point I was sensing a theme.  Waiting is hard, but that is our current season, so we will do it and have peace for now.

I went to church and sobbed the whole way through (which, I don't recommend while wearing a mask).  When we started singing Cece Winans believe for it, the sobs came harder, as that was the exact song I listened to on the drive over.  Friends, the road is hard, but God is dropping us love notes all the time.  Then the message felt like it was just for me.  One of the questions posed was, "Is the object of your prayer the miracle itself, or the One who makes miracles?" Particularly relevant right now.  At the end of the service a teenager came to the front to share something that had been on her heart.  I wish I could repeat her words exactly, but she was talking about how God had been impressing on her the importance of waiting on Him and that there was someone who was in the middle of a battle that needed to hear that God is in the waiting.  So we wait :-)

I went into today's appointment with the Fetal Therapy doctors at Hopkins with the mindset of continuing to wait, knowing that we have surrended it all to God.  It was a LONG ultrasound (baby girl is a wiggle worm like her big brother).  That definitely created some anxiety to fight off.  When we finally got to sit down with the doctor though, the news was actually somewhat optimistic.  The situation hadn't changed.  Still way to much fluid. But, it appears that the cause of the fluid is most likely the result of an aqueductal stenosis - a blockage between the 3rd and 4th ventricles of her brain.  This is really the best cause we could hope for, because it means her brain wants to develop, the fluid just won't let it.  So, when she's born, the pediatric neurosurgeon will place a shunt in her brain to drain the fluid and we'll see how her brain develops from there.  The prognosis could vary greatly, but if this is actually what's going on, it's not fatal.  We'll continue to pray for complete miraculous healing of her brain.  The doctor said she has seen blockages resolve on their own before, but never in a case this severe.  But God...We know He is in control of this entire process and will bring about His good plan.  And we have hope.  And peace, no matter what the outcome is.

It's not a coincidence that we are in a town with some of the best medical care we could have.  It's not a coincidence the songs and verses the Lord puts in my heart at just the right time.  It's not a coincidence when someone reaches out, just when we need that encouragement.  

I'm so grateful that He draws near in the middle of our deepest fears.  We are so thankful for your support, encouragement and prayers and are excited that you are joining us in seeing what God does. 💗

Why not Me?

 After 5 years of waiting, we finally had the result we had been hoping and praying for...I was pregnant! Colton would be a big brother!  We would be a family of 4.  After just moving out of our townhouse into a home with room to expand, we were going to do just that.  Now, the year is 2021, so COVID, in addition to walking through countless hardships with friends and family over the past 2 years, has caused me to not place very much confidence in the things of this world.  The good and the bad are all very temporary and any control we think we have is actually very little.  So we were cautiously hopeful.

I had some complications early on, but was assured by my doctors that there was no harm to the baby and things were still going well for us.  We told those close to us at that point so they could pray with us.  From week 5 on, we've had a community praying for this sweet child's health and life.  I'd love for you to join us in that prayer.

Early last week we received some very tough news about our new baby.  At our 20 week anatomy scan ultrasound we found out that our baby's brain was not developing properly.  The first thing the doctor said when she walked in the room were the 3 words you never want to hear a doctor say - "I'm so sorry."  Cue shock and confusion.  What is there to be sorry about?  We just saw all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.  A nose and sweet little lips.  Kindneys!  Their heart beating away with no problems.  We saw the brain for goodness sakes.  Unfortunately, we didn't realize that all that black we saw in the brain wasn't tissue, it was an extreme amount of fluid.  The medical term is severe ventriculomegaly.  In fact, it's very severe.  At this stage in development, doctors expect to see less that 10 mm of fluid, closer to 6.  At 15 mm, they classify it as severe.  Our baby had 17.7.  A very small amount of tissue could be seen around the very outer rim.  Until we figure out a cause (which could be so many different things), we won't have a prognosis, but in this doctor's estimation, the likelihood of a healthy child was minimal.  

"Now, we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19 We believe our God is bigger that this issue.  We believe He is the ultimate healer and we have hope that He will miraculously heal our baby.  It's a strange thing to hold supernatural hope and and hard reality in the same hand, but that's what we're doing.  We won't bury our heads in the sand and hope it goes away.  We will proceed with testing (although there is absolutely nothing they can do to help while the baby is in utero) so we will have an idea of what kind of care the baby will possibly need when they are born.  

We are counting our blessings.  We live so close to one of the best hopsitals in the world, so we are thankful we'll be able to work with the amazing doctors and pediatric surgeons at Johns Hopkins Hospital.  It's not a coincidence that Seth's sister happens to work with those very surgeons and she has already been an invaluable help in getting advice and resources for us (and just being an incredible support).  It's also not a coincidence that my dear friend is friends with a doctor there who's team will be providing us direct care.  We already have so many friends and family on our team and praying for us and those prayers our working.  I am living and not hiding in my bed right now, and I have been able to sleep peacefully at night.  If you know me and my heart that tends towards anxiousness, you know those are miracles resulting directly from prayers.  Seth is off this month and we already had a vacation planned this week - time to reflect, decompress and press in to God.  Our almost 5 year old continues to thrive and bring joy at every turn.  My job is extremely flexible and my coworkers are amazingly supportive and understanding.  We are reminded by friends and family all day every day that we are loved and are not alone.  This all helps us keep our focus on the One who carries us through all of our troubles.  

I'm not going to sugarcoat it...that sadness and fear frequently still creep into my mind and heart.  Everytime Colton kisses my belly and talks to the baby, it takes everything I have not to collapse into a pile of sobs.  When I feel the baby practice their karate moves one me, I used to burst with joy, and now it reminds me of the uncertainty we face.  And sometimes in the quiet moments, it's just hard.  I think about things like - should I still set up the nursey? What will Christmas look like now (we are due on 12/26)?  I pass out at hospitals, how in the world will I care for a medically fragile baby?  Will I even bring my baby home from the hospital?  None of this is helpful I know - and none of it is even true - we have NO idea what God has planned.  I medidate on this verse, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippains 4:8.  This is right after he tells us not to be anxious for anything but to bring our requests to God with thankfulness.  The truth is that God loves us and loves this baby and that this journey is hard, but He promises to walk us through it.  

I haven't really asked Why Me? Why Us?.  I think the temptation is there, but before this even happened, I would sometimes ask, "Why not us?"  I've seen the worst of the worst happen to the best of the best. It's not fair, but that's across the board.  I don't want this to be happening.  This is not the road we would have chosen, but I'm so thankful God is meeting us here and we are experiencing Him in an even deeper way.  

So for now we wait.  A pediatric neurosurgeon told Seth's sister that the best thing we could do is try to live our lives as normal as possible.  Please pray with us in this waiting.  For God to fully heal our baby on this earth.  For strength and peace as we wait.  For closeness to Him as we continue on this journey.  For Colton, that we could explain things in the right way and the right time and that his faith would grow.  

Thanks for reaching out and checking on us.  It makes a huge difference when we're reminded that we're not alone.