Update

 A lot of people have been asking my how I'm feeling.  That's such a hard question to answer.  I guess the best answer is "a lot."  I just feel a lot right now.  Grateful, sad, hopeful, afraid, blessed, overwhelmed...and the list goes on.  

Yesterday was a super emotional day.  I sat down to journal and pray in the morning and went to look for a verse that has really comforted me in difficult times before.  The verse I was actually looking for was Psalm 27:13-14 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."  Instead - I ended up in Psalm 37 and was immediately drawn to the beginning of verse 7 which says "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.".  At this point I was sensing a theme.  Waiting is hard, but that is our current season, so we will do it and have peace for now.

I went to church and sobbed the whole way through (which, I don't recommend while wearing a mask).  When we started singing Cece Winans believe for it, the sobs came harder, as that was the exact song I listened to on the drive over.  Friends, the road is hard, but God is dropping us love notes all the time.  Then the message felt like it was just for me.  One of the questions posed was, "Is the object of your prayer the miracle itself, or the One who makes miracles?" Particularly relevant right now.  At the end of the service a teenager came to the front to share something that had been on her heart.  I wish I could repeat her words exactly, but she was talking about how God had been impressing on her the importance of waiting on Him and that there was someone who was in the middle of a battle that needed to hear that God is in the waiting.  So we wait :-)

I went into today's appointment with the Fetal Therapy doctors at Hopkins with the mindset of continuing to wait, knowing that we have surrended it all to God.  It was a LONG ultrasound (baby girl is a wiggle worm like her big brother).  That definitely created some anxiety to fight off.  When we finally got to sit down with the doctor though, the news was actually somewhat optimistic.  The situation hadn't changed.  Still way to much fluid. But, it appears that the cause of the fluid is most likely the result of an aqueductal stenosis - a blockage between the 3rd and 4th ventricles of her brain.  This is really the best cause we could hope for, because it means her brain wants to develop, the fluid just won't let it.  So, when she's born, the pediatric neurosurgeon will place a shunt in her brain to drain the fluid and we'll see how her brain develops from there.  The prognosis could vary greatly, but if this is actually what's going on, it's not fatal.  We'll continue to pray for complete miraculous healing of her brain.  The doctor said she has seen blockages resolve on their own before, but never in a case this severe.  But God...We know He is in control of this entire process and will bring about His good plan.  And we have hope.  And peace, no matter what the outcome is.

It's not a coincidence that we are in a town with some of the best medical care we could have.  It's not a coincidence the songs and verses the Lord puts in my heart at just the right time.  It's not a coincidence when someone reaches out, just when we need that encouragement.  

I'm so grateful that He draws near in the middle of our deepest fears.  We are so thankful for your support, encouragement and prayers and are excited that you are joining us in seeing what God does. 💗

Why not Me?

 After 5 years of waiting, we finally had the result we had been hoping and praying for...I was pregnant! Colton would be a big brother!  We would be a family of 4.  After just moving out of our townhouse into a home with room to expand, we were going to do just that.  Now, the year is 2021, so COVID, in addition to walking through countless hardships with friends and family over the past 2 years, has caused me to not place very much confidence in the things of this world.  The good and the bad are all very temporary and any control we think we have is actually very little.  So we were cautiously hopeful.

I had some complications early on, but was assured by my doctors that there was no harm to the baby and things were still going well for us.  We told those close to us at that point so they could pray with us.  From week 5 on, we've had a community praying for this sweet child's health and life.  I'd love for you to join us in that prayer.

Early last week we received some very tough news about our new baby.  At our 20 week anatomy scan ultrasound we found out that our baby's brain was not developing properly.  The first thing the doctor said when she walked in the room were the 3 words you never want to hear a doctor say - "I'm so sorry."  Cue shock and confusion.  What is there to be sorry about?  We just saw all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.  A nose and sweet little lips.  Kindneys!  Their heart beating away with no problems.  We saw the brain for goodness sakes.  Unfortunately, we didn't realize that all that black we saw in the brain wasn't tissue, it was an extreme amount of fluid.  The medical term is severe ventriculomegaly.  In fact, it's very severe.  At this stage in development, doctors expect to see less that 10 mm of fluid, closer to 6.  At 15 mm, they classify it as severe.  Our baby had 17.7.  A very small amount of tissue could be seen around the very outer rim.  Until we figure out a cause (which could be so many different things), we won't have a prognosis, but in this doctor's estimation, the likelihood of a healthy child was minimal.  

"Now, we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19 We believe our God is bigger that this issue.  We believe He is the ultimate healer and we have hope that He will miraculously heal our baby.  It's a strange thing to hold supernatural hope and and hard reality in the same hand, but that's what we're doing.  We won't bury our heads in the sand and hope it goes away.  We will proceed with testing (although there is absolutely nothing they can do to help while the baby is in utero) so we will have an idea of what kind of care the baby will possibly need when they are born.  

We are counting our blessings.  We live so close to one of the best hopsitals in the world, so we are thankful we'll be able to work with the amazing doctors and pediatric surgeons at Johns Hopkins Hospital.  It's not a coincidence that Seth's sister happens to work with those very surgeons and she has already been an invaluable help in getting advice and resources for us (and just being an incredible support).  It's also not a coincidence that my dear friend is friends with a doctor there who's team will be providing us direct care.  We already have so many friends and family on our team and praying for us and those prayers our working.  I am living and not hiding in my bed right now, and I have been able to sleep peacefully at night.  If you know me and my heart that tends towards anxiousness, you know those are miracles resulting directly from prayers.  Seth is off this month and we already had a vacation planned this week - time to reflect, decompress and press in to God.  Our almost 5 year old continues to thrive and bring joy at every turn.  My job is extremely flexible and my coworkers are amazingly supportive and understanding.  We are reminded by friends and family all day every day that we are loved and are not alone.  This all helps us keep our focus on the One who carries us through all of our troubles.  

I'm not going to sugarcoat it...that sadness and fear frequently still creep into my mind and heart.  Everytime Colton kisses my belly and talks to the baby, it takes everything I have not to collapse into a pile of sobs.  When I feel the baby practice their karate moves one me, I used to burst with joy, and now it reminds me of the uncertainty we face.  And sometimes in the quiet moments, it's just hard.  I think about things like - should I still set up the nursey? What will Christmas look like now (we are due on 12/26)?  I pass out at hospitals, how in the world will I care for a medically fragile baby?  Will I even bring my baby home from the hospital?  None of this is helpful I know - and none of it is even true - we have NO idea what God has planned.  I medidate on this verse, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippains 4:8.  This is right after he tells us not to be anxious for anything but to bring our requests to God with thankfulness.  The truth is that God loves us and loves this baby and that this journey is hard, but He promises to walk us through it.  

I haven't really asked Why Me? Why Us?.  I think the temptation is there, but before this even happened, I would sometimes ask, "Why not us?"  I've seen the worst of the worst happen to the best of the best. It's not fair, but that's across the board.  I don't want this to be happening.  This is not the road we would have chosen, but I'm so thankful God is meeting us here and we are experiencing Him in an even deeper way.  

So for now we wait.  A pediatric neurosurgeon told Seth's sister that the best thing we could do is try to live our lives as normal as possible.  Please pray with us in this waiting.  For God to fully heal our baby on this earth.  For strength and peace as we wait.  For closeness to Him as we continue on this journey.  For Colton, that we could explain things in the right way and the right time and that his faith would grow.  

Thanks for reaching out and checking on us.  It makes a huge difference when we're reminded that we're not alone.

Love is kind

The train was late.  The crowd was already getting uncomfortably close.  Inconvenience began to boil up inside her.  Next to her, the man was mumbling.  Talking to himself or trying to communicate with her, she couldn't be certain.  Train, please come quickly.  She took the steps onto the train directly behind his tall, malnourished frame, one slow step at a time.  Her heart softened.  As they entered the crowded aisle together, strangers began offering this elderly gentleman their seats.  He preferred to stand.  Their kindness settled inside her and brought a smile to her face.  At the next stop, seats opened up and she found herself next to him, sharing a seat with his bag of books from the library.  She smelled that sweet alcohol smell as he apologized in his soft mumbled words for taking up so much room and told her about how his mother always made him give up his seat for ladies.  He made her uncomfortable.  She had to get close to understand his speech and the sun was in her eyes as she looked his way.  Not wanting to be rude, she smiled and nodded.  The plastic bag on his lap was giving him trouble; his swollen fingers couldn't wrestle the knot open.  Minutes passed as the verse played in her mind "Love is patient, love is kind..."  "Sir, can I help you with that?," she finally asked.  "Oh no, I can get it, but thank you so much.  You are so nice."  The struggle continues as soda cans drop from the bag and roll to the seat behind them.  She turns around and the ladies behind them return her smile as they load up her arms with the goodies that reached their feet.  One can springs a leak as it hits the ground.  He holds it still with his bright white tennis shoes until he can manage to open the bag.  This time, he lets her give the knot a try.  He notices the ease in which she works out the knot, and showers her with thank you's and blessings as she fills the bag back up with the sodas, cigarettes and candies that had escaped.  She shows him the hole in the bottom of the bag and they work together to rearrange his books (his most prized possession, he tells her) to secure his bag of snacks.  It's still hard to understand him, but he's expressing his surprise that someone would actually help him; his gratitude - that he'd still be working on the knot if not for a friend to lend a hand.  "I hope your husband knows he's got a good woman!  And I'm not trying to be fresh.  This is the nicest train ride I've ever had."  As the train slowly pulls into the station, she wishes him well and tries to steer clear of the Pepsi puddle near her feet.  The train starts moving and she feels a tap on her shoulder from behind.  "That was really nice of you.  Most people wouldn't do that.  Thank you."  Embarrassed, she responds "No need to thank me.  Just been wondering if it would actually make a difference if we all tried to love each other a little better.  Thought I would give it a try."  She feels awkward, but maybe, hopefully, it will remind people of good and love and beauty.  And that it's not that hard.  They share a certain bond as the soles of their shoes, sticky from the man's soda, noisily exit the train at their stop.  And they go home changed by a simple interaction with a man, his books and his plastic bag.

...yet beauty remains

I haven't felt too inspired to blog lately, but today, as I was letting the darkness of my city's situation and all of the media hype overwhelm me, God gave me a little tap on the shoulder.  I thought I would share...

I've been glued to the news coverage of the riots in Baltimore - frustration, sadness, anger, annoyance, disbelief - all emotions running through me.  Lately, I've been catching myself saying "This world is becoming an ugly place.  What's going to happen next?"  Today I felt that gentle nudge that God gives you when He wakes you up from your self involvement.  As clear as day, I felt that still small voice tell me, "What's going to happen next?  Valerie, you already know how this ends.  Just a few weeks ago you celebrated it.  When Jesus overcame death, He overcame the world and the powers of darkness.  He proved that He is the only One with power in this world.  Don't forget this, He has already defeated the powers of Hell - now live like it!"

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

It's so easy to let the darkness overwhelm us, but we know that where there's light, darkness has to flee.  Light has power over darkness.  We see it in science; if you light a candle in a dark room, the light always overcomes the darkness.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it" John 1:5

The images that we see on Facebook and TV are ugly.  But there is still so much beauty.  I've seen people posting beautiful prayers.  I've heard strangers on the light rail promote peace among one another.  I've seen true reconciliation.  Yet it's still much easier to focus on the ugly.  As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression,  I know this all too well.  When we focus on the good, though, the bad gets so much smaller.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  Philippians 4:8

So, how do we do this?  To me, the answer is clear - Love.  I won't quote Rob Bell and say "Love Wins" (because truthfully, I haven't read the book and don't want to get into a debate), but I do know that the Bible tells us this: Love never fails! (1 Corinthians 13:8)  The Light of the World lives in those who believe.  He certainly doesn't need us to be light, but He allows us that privilege.  Let's be light and show love together.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

How would things be different if I was more patient and kind; if I stopped envying others and put an end to my boastfulness and pride?  What if I honored others above myself and didn't get angry, but let things go?  Whould it promote change if I didn't buy into the media hype that "delights in evil" but remained constant in speaking truth?  Can I be more protecting of those more vulnerable, trusting, hopeful and persevering?  Want to try it with me?

Thank You

Nurses.  There are quite a few of them in my life.  These two in the picture are two of my favorites (my mom and sister.)

Growing up, I would have told you that having a mom who is also a nurse wasn't that awesome (sorry mom!)  You see, there was no staying home from school unless there was vomit or a fever.  And when I did get to stay home, it was not fun and games.  Rest and fluids were the rule.  Of course this was the absolute best thing, but as a kid - no fun!  (Although, when throw up and fever were involved, I can honestly say I didn't feel like doing much else!)  Let me add, when penicillin was required, my sis and I always got the shot in the rear, rather than pills, because mom knew it worked faster.  Again, NOT FUN, but yes, the best choice.

So, knowing nurses my entire life has created in me a level of respect.  I have seen how hard my mom worked and now I see my sister's dedication to this career.  In fact, I would have loved to be a nurse if it weren't for my passing out reaction to hospitals.  I've had roommates who are nurses and good friends as well - all amazing people and ridiculously hard workers.  Recently though, my respect has been brought to a whole new level.

For a few months, my husband and I have been preparing for a surgery he put off for a few years.  It didn't seem like a huge deal - simple outpatient procedure, recovery time at home and physical therapy.  First lesson for Val - outpatient does not equal simple.  Second lesson - recovery time is not easy for anyone involved (not that it isn't way worse for him).  I used to think my job was exhausting (aka sitting in front of a computer) until I worked from home the day after his surgery to help him.  Man, do I take sitting down for granted.  Between helping him get comfortable, food and drink, medicine every 4 hours, ice, actually cooking (this is usually his domain) and just keeping up with the regular household chores, I couldn't sit for longer than a few minutes before being needed again.  He in no way asked for anything unreasonable, I just was not prepared.  I also wasn't prepared for the emotional toll it would take.  Seeing someone hurting and being helpless to make it better stinks!!!  I burst into tears at one point, because I couldn't help him move from a chair to the couch without causing excruciating pain.

How do you nurses do it?  You are so calm and cool under pressure and yet still gentle and caring.  Plus, you are really stinking smart!

So, if you are a nurse - I love you! Thank you for what you do.  And if you know a nurse, tell them thank you and give them a hug!  Thank God for them too!

Let's pray for the 2 nurses who contracted Ebola in Dallas as well.  No hysterics here, but these women are paying a very high price for doing their job.

Thinking about my dad

My family stays pretty busy, so we almost never celebrate holidays when they actually occur.  This year, my sister's birthday and Father's Day both fell on the same weekend, which also happened to be the first weekend of my parents's vacation this summer.  Don't worry, we celebrated a week ahead of time and I remembered to wish them happiness on their actual special days.

I am so happy that my parents are enjoying exploring the US and seeing new sites and taking time off work to be together.  They both work soooo hard and are the greatest examples I could have asked for.

Yesterday at church, during our prayer time, we were led to reflect a little on Father's Day.  The pastor mentioned great memories we have of our dad's, perhaps some of the great gifts they've given us - just like our Heavenly Father has given us the greatest gift of all time...the gift of life through His Son, Jesus.  I don't discount this truth at all and I can never express my thankfulness for that gift of eternity!!  My earthly dad gives great gifts as well.  One of the things that stands out to me is his generosity.  What really sparks my memory, when I think about my dad though, is the TIMES we've had together.  While he gives great gifts, the gift of his time is my favorite.  Family dinners where I laugh so hard I cry...exploring Civil War Battlegrounds...watching movies...sailing...bike rides...Ocean City in the summer...and the list goes on.  Dad, you are the best! (I know so many others think this about their Dad too.  Isn't it great how God knew just the right Dad for us?  I so enjoyed reading all the posts on FB yesterday.)  (And not to leave my mom out - I didn't post on Mother's Day.  She is the MOST hard working, genuine, tenderhearted, smart, caring, God loving and fun women out there!!!  I am soooooo thankful for her as well!)

So, back to church yesterday.  I focused more on time with my dad rather than the great gifts he's given me, and then applied this to my Heavenly Dad.  The gift of eternal life is central to it all and it brings me to the fact that because of this great gift, I can actually spend time with Him.  Because of the gift of Christ's sacrifice, I can have a real relationship with my Creator and Father.  He actually pursues ME to spend time with me.  How crazy is that!!  The idea that the God of the Universe desires to spend time with me and have a relationship with me is more than I can fathom.  Just think on that for a second...He sees the depths of your heart, the good the bad and the ugly, and still runs to you.  He accepts you and LOVES YOU just as you are.  Sit with that joy today!!

A little all over the place

I'll admit it, sometimes I can be a little too emotional.  Yes, the words "Drama Queen" may have been attached to me before.  I hate being a crier.  Interestingly, my "drama" and tears are usually the result of frustration, rather than sadness.  Regardless of the reason, I really want to be able to hold it together a little better.  At the beginning of this month I blurted out to my boyfriend "This is going to be no cry April for me!  No tears this month."  He chuckled and I think his exact response was, "I'll believe when I see it!"

As I sit here, I want to be strong so badly, but I also want to put my face in my pillow and sob.  And let me be candid with you right now...although I do cry frequently, it is rarely because of tragedy happening outside of my immediate little world sphere.  I certainly feel sadness, shock, anger and confusion when tragedy strikes, like the horrible shootings with so many innocent children and adults losing their lives, but my heart does not break like God's does for those hurting.  I pray for comfort for those who experience horrific losses.  I rejoice when tragedy brings out the best in people, and you see goodness that has been dormant.  But sometimes, I just can't truly relate.  I am not by any means a marathon runner, but I know how it feels to cross that finish line after hours of running.  I know how it feels to wriggle my way to the front of crowds of bystanders to cheer a friend on as they accomplish their own goal!  And I want to throw up when I mix those amazing memories with bombs exploding.

I'm not saying I strive to be a blubbering mess whenever bad things happen.  I believe God is sovereign.  He is a GOOD God.  And I promise you, what the bomber(s) meant for evil, "God meant it for good." Genesis 50:20.  Joseph said this to his brothers, who tried to kill him out of jealousy and left him for dead.  Years later, he is in a position of prominence and is able to save his people from a terrible famine.  His brothers are afraid, but this is what he tells them.  God Always works for the good of those who love Him. Romans 8:28. There is hope.  And I hold onto that hope.   And at the same time, I ask God to continue to break my heart like His breaks for the pain in this world.

I think part of my reaction today is due to the setting.  I think another part is how close to home this really is. I was reminded that there are bombings like this all over the world nearly daily.  God's heart breaks for each of His beloved children.  It's overwhelming how big the pain in the world is.  It's mind blowing how broken the human race continues to be.  My brokenness is just a tiny reflection of how God's heart breaks for the broken.  God longs to reconcile the world back to Himself.  Even if you aren't a follower of Christ we pretty much all know the verse "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."  John 3:16  He has already reconciled the world to Him through the cross.  We just celebrated Easter.  He is RISEN!  Let's live like it.  "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation" 2 Corinthians 5:17-19

God sent His Son, Jesus, so that we can be reconciled to Him, and as a result of that, we now practice the ministry of reconciliation.  God wants us all to experience His peace.  

There is so much ugliness in the world right now.  But there is beauty also.  For those of us who know the beauty of Christ in our lives, who know the redemption and peace of that Easter Sunday, we need to reflect that beauty to the world.  

So along with no cry April, I hope to strive each day to intentionally reflect the beauty of God in my life.  Who's with me?