2022 in Review

 I realize I haven't been posting on here for the majority of the year.  If you haven't been following Facebook or Instagram, here's a recap of last year and where things stand as we look ahead to this year.

Camille started 2022 with her first full day at home.  She was discharged from the hospital on 12/31/22 after a 3 week stay.  She was still working on eating so she had an NG tube.  It turned out, she just needed to come home, because all of that money that insurance wouldn't pay (and we shelled out) to have the equipment at home went to waste within the week.  She started taking bottles like a champ and hasn't looked back since!

As January progressed we noticed her head seemed to be growing pretty rapidly.  A visit to her pediatrician confirmed it was growing much fast than we'd expect.  Her follow-up MRI and appointment with her neurosurgeon got moved up and I had my first "Where are you God?" moment.  It appeared that the surgery she had in December wasn't totally working and that she would probably need a shunt to control the fluid in her brain.  It was a tough time in general, being home with a newborn and not really seeing friends because of all the sicknesses that are rampant that time of year.  Looking back, God met me in those dark moments through texts and calls from trusted friends and family and firmed up that trust and faith that start to wane as we get complacent with things going how we want!

The good news was that surgery wasn't emergent, so we watched and waited and then on Feb 23, she had surgery to have a shunt placed.  She did great with the surgery and was discharged the next day.  During the week that followed, we noticed the swelling around the site of the surgery hadn't gone down.  Her surgeon just wanted us to watch it, so we did and that very next week ended up in the ER (overnight) and admitted the next day, for fluid leaking from her surgery site.  They weren't really sure what was causing it, but went with the hypothesis that she had subderal fluid due to the shunt being set too low (not enough pressure in her head) that was pooling.  So they turned her shunt up and wrapped her head tightly to give it time to heal.  Next week - imagine our surprise to be back in the ER for leaking fluid again.  During this horrific visit I was on my own with her (Seth was caring for Colton at home) and they wanted to drain the fluid that had built up and then add a stitch to hopefully keep it closed.  I asked the resident about numbing the area first and he said that was just another needle she would have to endure, so it was better to just quickly get them done.  Unfortunately, he didn't think to ask for a nurse's or tech's assistance and instead asked me to "hold her down". Yep - that happened.  And I did it.  And we survived.  We spent the night again in the ER, but her surgeon sent us home the next day (no beds in the hospital anyway) after turning the pressure up again and hoping for the best.  Less surprisingly, we were back in the ER the next week and would remain in the hospital through the beginning of April.  Her surgeon was on vacation for this ER visit, but we were very familiar with the attending surgeon and thankfully Seth's sister (who's a pediatric nurse at Hopkins) is one of his favorite people.  To say we got the royal treatment would be an understatement.  His approach was basically that our hypothesis and treatment plan was probably backwards, since it was still not working and her swelling and fluid leaking were just getting worse.  He also wanted to go in surgerically and clean out the wound in a very quick procedure.  We were the first case the next morning.  He did take a fluid sample to test for infection.  Anytime you have an open wound, infection is possible, and spinal fluid infection means you have to throw the shunt out and place a new one.  At the almost 24 hours post surgery mark, she was clear of infection and we were planning our escape home.  Unfortunately, the positive result showed up and she was on the docket for another surgery to remove her shunt, have a temporary external shunt placed, have a PIC line placed and start IV antibiotics.  I lived at the hospital with Camille until she was completely infection free, the new shunt was placed on 3/30 and we were discharged on 4/2.  It was tough.  She couldn't be picked up very often, because the external shunt had to be rebalanced every time you moved her.  She had lots of MRI's, lots of tests run and through it all, she showed us what a fighter she was.  She was the happiest, not sick, but difficult to treat baby the floor had.  We had some great visits - a dear friend who I never see came and sat with us in the ER while we waited for the plan this time.  We got bonus visits from Seth's and my parents and sisters :-)  A different family member would come stay with me most nights (those hospital night time feedings are rough - especially when you can't pick up baby and I had to pump on top of giving her a bottle).  Seth's sister would come up after her shifts and care for Camile so I could go home and take a real shower and a nap and play with Colton.  We got a peek at how strong Camille really is and a reminder of how many miracles our God is doing in her life.  This all happened right when my 3 months maternity leave was ending, so I was starting back to work (in a limited capacity) from her hospital room.  Thankfully my boss was extremely flexible and understanding.  I learned I can do really really hard things with God who gives me strength.  I saw the goodness in people - from the extremely caring nurses and other staff to our amazing friends and family who cared for us.  Honestly, rather than worry, I was filled with gratitude at almost every turn.  That's God people.  Don't get me wrong, I couldn't wait to go home - but He sustained us!  

The rest of the year was so much less ummm...shall we say...eventful, but with lots to celebrate.  We got to travel this summer to Ocean City to see Seth's parents and Georgia to see my parents (Seth was working so I drove the 10+ hour drive on my own with both kids - a story for another blog) and eventually Virginia in the fall.  We all got COVID and a storm promptly knocked out our power for the next three days.  Colton started Kindgergarten and has been thriving.  Camille had quarterly MRI's and follow ups with her surgeon and everything with her shunt has stayed stable.  It's currently set at the highest pressure and we'll just continue to monitor with her surgeon every 3 months.  She still sees PT through the infants and toddlers program every 1 to 2 weeks and a nurse checks her development every month.  Although she's at the later end, she's hitting all of her milestones.  She nods yes and no (mostly no), signs for "more" and "all done", eats absolutely everything, pulls up, climbs and cruises on everything, can crawl but prefers to scoot still, stands for a few seconds independently, pushes walking toys around and pretty much brings delight everywhere she goes.  She loved eating cake on her first birthday and screams if she sees me eating a treat and not sharing.  She wears a doc band (helmet) to correct the flattening of the left side of her head, from laying on that side for so long.  She gets that off next week on 1/11!  All in all she's a good sleeper, but we've had a few horrible nights of screaming sprinkled in recently, which is par for the course with babies.  

We ended 2022 with a family dance party at home, while we were isolating after a COVID exposure.  Thankfully we have stayed negative.  A few nights ago, Camille had a really terrible night (gas probably?) and it sent me into my first downward spiral in a while.  I don't know about you, but when I lack sleep, my thoughts get out of control, the what ifs run rampant and I can tend to struggle with some anxiety.  It was a good reset for me though.  I stopped myself mid spiral and refected on how good God has been to us this past year.  It was not easy, but He was near and we all grew.  It also brought to light a few areas I want to work on this year.  I feel like 2022 was a lot about survival.  And we got through and had some really bright moments.  This year, I want to be about thriving.  For me personally, that means always coming back to choosing joy, especially around my family.  For my family, I think that means relying on God together and growing in our walks with Him, really celebrating who He is and what He's doing in our lives.  I think it also means investing in a church together and getting involved.  Expecting God to move in big ways and being on the look out for what He's doing around us.  Being great friends to the people in our lives.  I'm starting the year off with a promotion at work, so being a good boss to my department and helping my team thrive is part of my thriving as well.  

Some ways you could pray with us this year:

- Please keep praying for Camille to stay on this great trajectory of growth and development!  She sees her neurology team at KKI on Monday 1/9 for her 1 year assesment

- On Monday 1/9, she also has her follow up with the eye doctor.  The glassed don't seem to have helped her eye from crossing, so we're expecting a new plan.

- Camille's next MRI and surgery follow up is 2/28.  She'll have her usual ultrafast mri (usually takes about 10 minutes) and she'll also have a more detailed MRI of her cervical spine.  In her MRI in May, the radiologist noted a small fluid pocket that was partially visualized in her imaging.  It was not seen in the Aug MRI (based on where it is located on her C-spine), but in her Nov MRI report, the radiologist said it looked like it had grown about a mm.  Her surgeon wasn't worried about it, as it doesn't seem to be causing her any pain or limiting movement that we know of, but wants to monitor.  Pray that she won't need surgery to resolve this issue.

- Pray that our whole family would grow in our walks with the Lord.  We've been churchless for a little bit, so pray we would commit to and get involved in a church.

 - Pray that I would balance my new role at work and my family well.

- Pray that our eyes would be open to what God is doing around us and how He wants to use us.

It's been amazing to see and hear how Camille's story has touched others.  Thank you for being a continued part of that!  💖

Waiting and Weeding

 Camille had her much awaited neurosurgery follow up this afternoon.  The good news is that behaviorally, she's still not showing signs of pressure.  The sutures in her skull (not stiches, but where the plates connect) aren't very splayed either (which they would be if her head was compensating for extra pressure).  The doctor did confirm, though, that her head circumference is growing at a rate faster than we'd like to see.  He's not at the point where he wants to say her surgery is failing, because it seems like something is working, but it just doesn't seem like it's working enough.  If he had to guess, he thinks she's going to need a shunt - BUT he wants to give her a few weeks to prove him wrong.  Because she's not showing signs of pressure and the MRI two weeks ago showed that her brain matter was growing, it doesn't harm her to wait.  The scary part is watching her for the signs of pressure (which could wind us up in the ER), but he thinks that's unlikely to happen in the next few weeks.  As I've been typing this, his office actually just called to schedule the MRI for 2/16 - so two weeks it is.

I feel like the one word that has characterized Camille's journey, from that 20 week ultrasound until today is "waiting".  During my pregnancy, we were waiting for her to be born so we could see how she was going to do.  Then she was born and we waited for her to show us signs that she needed surgery.  She had the surgery and now we wait for her to tell us if and when she needs another.  The waiting doesn't seem to end.  But I guess if you think about it, we're always waiting for something.  Is there something you're waiting for?  An answer to a question, something you've prayed for, an event you're looking forward to...?  So if waiting is inevitable, what do we do?  I went to the Bible and searched for the word "wait".  It's used in many different contexts, but 2 stood out to me.  Waiting in hope (Psalm 39:7 - And now, Lord, for what do I wait?  My hope is in You) and resting and waiting (Psalm 37:7 - Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him).  

What matters is what's happening during our waiting.  My mom sent me this picture this morning and told me that weeding is good prayer time.  I was struck by the symbolism in that idea.  I think during this season of waiting and praying, God is using this time for some weeding in me.  When I rest in Him and place my hope in His word, He's plucking out the seeds of doubt that have grown over the years in my life.  The lies I've let take root that tell me He doesn't really care and "you're on your own."  He's weeding out the idea that things have to happen my way for them to be good.  

I don't want to have to go through the next two weeks worrying that Camille is going to start having pressure in her head that makes surgery emergent.  I don't want her to have to have another surgery.  But it's going to be ok.  Our God has already brought us so far and given us better outcomes than anyone imagined at first.  He's not changing and we can trust Him, so we do. 

Pray for us as we wait these two weeks for her MRI and next follow up.  Pray that we would not be anxious.  Pray that Camille would remain stable and that none of this would negatively affect her development.  Thank you for waiting and resting in hope with us!

Distractions

 I love the holidays.  I don't even mind the busyness that comes with them.  This year has been particularly busy already, with trying to wrap everything up at work for a 3 month leave, preparing the house for a new baby (trusting she comes home), decorating for Christmas and buying and wrapping ALL.THE.GIFTS before she gets here.  The nesting bug has definitely hit me...along with the pregnancy discomfort that comes with carrying a bigger baby.  

It hit me over the weekend, when an emotional moment came out of nowhere, how distracted I've been.  It's so easy to forget about all God has been doing these past few months, to draw us so close to Him as we trust and hold on to hope.  I've said this before, I wish this wasn't our reality, but I'm so filled with thankfulness for the way the Lord has met us in our fears and uncertainty...for the ways He has encouraged us with all of you.  I don't want to ever forget any of it.  

It's such a blessing to get to see her every single week.  Today the blessing was not lost on me.  Part of my devotional reading was from Psalm 136, where the writer is giving thanks to God for who He is and what He's done.  Each phrase is completed with "His love endures forever."  His love for this little girl, for this little family is enduring.  I was filled with great gratitude for His enduring love as I soaked in her (very) chubby cheeks and double chins, her already full head of hair and her chunky little legs.  God is so good for giving us this very special time with her.  

All went well in today's appointments.  The amniotic fluid is decreasing (which is normal for this time in pregnancy) to normal levels and my body is still healthy and doing what it should to carry her to term.  Her brain remains stable.  The doctor said it actually doesn't look like the fluid is putting a severe amount of pressure on the tissue and she's liking how the tissue is developing.  Her guess is that it's going to be a "good outcome" when she's born, although we really won't know until that happens.  For now though, we'll just be glad for the positive reports and hopeful outlook.  And no matter what, our hope remains in the ultimate Healer.  

Here are some ways to keep praying for us:

- Pray that baby girl and I both stay stable and healthy

- Please pray for my sleep at night.  Indigestion, restless legs and just general discomfort and insomnia are making it tough.  She's already estimated to be over 7 lbs (which is bigger than Colton when he was born), so this is a bit different for me.

- Pray that I am able to bring things at work to good places before she comes

- Please continue to pray for a miraculous healing of her brain

We are trusting that God is good and He has worked out all of the details of her coming into the world and what happens after that.  Please know that whatever our "good outcome" looks like, if you are praying with us, you are already part of a miracle.  Her life is already so special.  Thanks for supporting us and praying for us!

We have a date!

Today was a first.  We were able to see the fuzzy hair on her head in the ultrasound.  Just amazing.  

Not a lot to report today, although we had a full mid day of appointments.  Everything is still stable.  The doctor actually commented that it's nice to have these kinds of conversations with parents, because it's not always the case!  We are very thankful.  She's estimated to way about 5 lbs 13 oz and her growth is right on track.  Her head is of course still very large (99%), but the growth there is expected and stable.  The good news is that the ratio of fluid in her ventricles to overall head growth is pretty much the same and we continue to see more brain tissue in the scans.  We still really have NO idea what this means for her once she's born, but they are hopeful indicators.  In other good news, I had fewer and lighter contractions while hooked up to the monitor today (I still don't feel them.)

We met with a high risk OB in the practice today and scheduled my c-section - Dec. 21.  I was hoping it could be earlier, but baby girl and I are so healthy, they won't do it before 39 weeks.  If I'm honest, I wish it weren't so close to Christmas and so close to my due date (12/26).  I'm a little nervous about going into labor before then and having to have an emergency c-section.  Our doctor was great though, and walked us through everything that would happen if that were the case.  The NICU nurses would still be in the delivery room ready to assess and care for our girl, so we should be good!  In a neat coincidence (or God moment for us), the OB we met today, who will also do the c-section, is from Nigeria.  If you don't know a lot about Seth's and my story - Seth was born and spent his first 5 years in Nigeria and 20 years later, I visited the exact town (hospital even) where he was born!  

Life outside of the baby has been a little haywire recently (a Covid case in Colton's class - he's negative, thankfully - the week before his birthday and party, that totally changed all sorts of plans last weekend, this week and this weekend) and it's had me thinking about how tightly I hold on to my plans.  This c section scheduling just reinforced my conviction that God is showing me something here.  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" Proverbs 16:10 But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations. Psalm 33:11

While it's good to make plans, I really am learning to hold onto them loosely, because God is determining each step of the way.  It's definitely difficult for me to let go, but at the same time, so reassuring that the One who holds the whole Universe in His hands holds the specifics of our lives.

Please pray that I would be able to let go of any plans I think I have and just let God work.

Pray for miraculous decrease in the fluid in her ventricles and if not, continued stability and health.

Pray for my mood as I move into this last month of pregnancy.

Pray for continued stability and health in my own body.  

Thank you so much for all of the ways that you've been supporting us and praying for us.  We feel very lifted up and have so much peace (that in itself is really a miracle!)

Love you all! ♡

When it starts to pile up

 So I've moved to weekly appointments because of a slightly high amount of amniotic fluid they noted in my ultrasound 2 weeks ago.  It's concerning, because this could lead to preterm labor, which would just add to the challenges our girl has.  I had my first weekly monitoring last week and baby girl passed all of her tests just fine, but they noticed I was having pretty frequent contractions.  They aren't painful (which is good), but something to keep an eye on. 

This of course brings me back to that ugly state of worry.  Last week was pretty rough as I tried to stick to a really low glucose diet (to hopefully help with the amniotic fluid issue) and drink more water (for the contractions) and not worry that every tiny contraction could be turning into labor.  It was frustrating, because I've felt so much peace recently about God having her life in His hands.  It was so much easier when it was trusting Him with her and not having to trust Him to take care of me too.  Sometimes when things are clearly out of your control (baby having enlarged ventricles), it's easier to say "Ok God, this is Yours.  I surrender and trust You."  Then, when it's something you can exert a little more control over, you (I) drive yourself crazy trying to do everything perfectly so you don't mess up the plan.  In reality, I don't have control over when I go into labor. That's in God's control too.  I can follow all of the guidance to the best of my ability (limit simple carbs, try for 100 oz of water), but there's no peace until I give that to God.  I can't just trust Him with parts of this situation, I have to trust Him with the WHOLE thing.  I also have to continually trust Him with each detail that comes up.  There are times when it feels like it's all just piling up and the tiniest thing is the straw that breaks the camel's back.  The lesson I'm learning is that everyday, multiple times a day even, I have give each of those little pieces of straw to God, and give them back when I take them back.  

Seth got to join me for today's appointments, which helped me so much.  I'm still having frequent Braxton Hicks contractions (although I don't even feel the majority of them).   The doctor asked me how much water I was drinking.  Imagine my surprise when I proudly announced that I had been drinking 70 oz of water daily (which I had upped a lot from the prior week) and he told me that still wasn't enough.  Whew, I might float away.  If anyone has any suggestions how to drink 100 oz a day, I'm open! 

In other news, though, my amniotic fluid levels are back in the normal range (although the high end of normal).  I still have to stick with the lower glucose diet, but I'm getting used to that.  (Halloween was challenging, but I'll survive.)  She's still doing a great job growing, moving (ouch) and practicing her breathing.  The sonographer commented today on how strong she is (in relation to her kicks and punches), and I smiled to myself thinking about how strong she is in more ways than one.  Her left and right ventricles (the fluid in her brain) did slightly increase in size, but in line with her head growth, which is normal.  All of this is definitely reassuring.  

Thanks for continuing to walk this road with us! If you are praying for us, here are some specifics:

- Pray for the amniotic fluid to stay in normal range

- Pray that I will not go into labor in November.  Once we get to December, she will have a much easier (and less risky) time getting to where she needs to be.

- Pray that her brain continues to experience good growth (there is tissue growing)!

- Pray that her ventricles would even start decreasing in size and that she wouldn't even need surgical intervention when she's born.

- Pray that if she does need surgery, that she'll be a good candidate, there will be no complications and it will give her a great quality of life. 

- Pray for my sleep.  I have restless legs and pretty bad heartburn.  I'm also just getting to the stage where I'm generally a little more uncomfortable.  The anxiety doesn't help either.

Thank you again for your overwhelming support! 💗

Holding Pattern

 We are still doing ok over here!  Last week was crazy busy with appointments and regular 3rd trimester pregnancy testing and this week has just been about catching back up.  

The good news is that there is no real news to come out of last week's appointments.  I'm doing fine (if fat and tired is considered fine :-)) and baby girl is still fighting.  The fluid in her lateral ventricles did increase slightly from my ultrasound two weeks prior, but not aggressively.  The doctor explained that there are 3 scenarios we can see in our appointments going forward - 1) the fluid stabilizes and just stops growing, 2) fluid growth stays on the same trajectory 3) fluid growth spikes (which is when there's an issue).  We're happy that we seem to be in scenario 2 and are praying to stay there or scenario 1 (or the fluid decreasing, which we know God can do!)  Everything else is still looking great.  She passed her punching and kicking tests with flying colors (which did not surprise me in the least) and we saw her taking practice breathes, which is also a great sign.  She even gave us a smile, which may have made my eyes a little leaky!

Her smile made me realize how thankful I am for this time with her right now.  When we first got the news of the fluid on her brain, every kick, punch and squirm was a reminder that she wasn't ok.  Every time Colton hugged my belly or talked to her, it took everything I had not to burst into tears.  But now, it fills me with so much joy that this little girl is a living part of our family already!  I'm so glad Colton can feel her kicks and interact with her and will always have these precious memories.

We are still filled with hope that although life may have some more challenges for her (or maybe not!), she is going to live a meaningful life.

My next appointment is this coming Monday.  Please continue to pray with us for full physical healing of her brain.  Pray that the fluid growth would not spike.  Pray that God would continue to fill us with His hope and peace.

Thanks again for being a part of this journey with us!

Waiting...

Last week was A.WEEK...Our church had it's last service on Sunday and one of my very best friends suprised me after being overseas the past 3 years, on Monday Seth and I spent most of the day at Hopkins for appointments, another zoom appointment on Tuesday, Colton's first x-rays on Wed (he's fine), Colton's first COVID test on Thursday (he's fine) and our neighbors tree crushing our fence.  

After all of the appointments, I think the main take away is still "Wait and see", although we do have some more information.  I had a fetal MRI first thing on Monday, followed by another ultrasound with the Fetal Therapy Team at Hopkins.  They were able to read both together and are more confident in acqueductal stenosis as a cause for the fluid.  The doctor also told us that the imaging answered some important questions about her brain development that the team had been wanting to see.  The good news (or what we're taking as good news) is that other than the fluid (which is really bad and growing), her brain seems to be doing what it's supposed to.  It's forming the folds that are supposed to be forming and the nerves seem to be migrating to where they are supposed to be going.  Her cerebellum and brain stem also appear unaffected.  Her other organs also appear to be functioning just as they should.  Seth and I are taking one additional step to hopefully rule out anything genetic being the cause and give us more confidence that this is purely mechanical.  The amniocentes that we did when we got the news ruled out most things genetic.  She has one portion of a chromosome that is duplicated, but they call it an unknown variant, because they don't know if it's significant or not.  The hope is, if Seth or I also have this duplication, then we can just say it's nothing.  If we don't have it, then it's more decisions about how much additional testing is appropriate.

And decisions are not my favorite thing right now.  It's strange how the stress of all of this lies really just below the surface and most of the time I feel pretty great just going about normal life.  Then the smallest thing will set me off - not having apples when I need one, something going bad (yes, mostly food related - I AM pregnant :-)) and the tiniest decisions.  This morning Seth asked me if Colton should wear long sleeves to school and I was almost in tears.  So if you experience me being even more indecisive than usual, just know that it's because we are contemplating some really huge decisions we might have to make in the coming months and not because any other decisions are unimportant.  

But back to the doctors.  We felt pretty encouraged after meeting with Dr. Miller, the Fetal Therapy doctor who did the ultrasound.  Another aside, but please please please be kind to the medical professionals you know.  Throughout this entire COVID crisis, they haven't missed a step and continue to fight to give their patients the best care they can.  Dr. Miller went above and beyond for us. As our appointment with her was ending it was getting close to lunch time and I still had to meet with the new OB and come back and meet with the neurosurgeon.  Not only did she offer snacks, she also worked with the other providers to help us get seen as quickly as possible so that we could get out of there and eat.  She walked us to our next appointment and her whole staff made sure our coordination of care was seemless.  That's not her job, but it made a world of difference to 2 overloaded parents on that day. 

The neurosurgery consult rocked me a little bit.  I think it's part of her job, but she seemed a lot less optimistic than the other doctors we had talked to.  And that's ok, we need to hear it all.  In short, shunts in newborns only have about a 50% success rate, due to infections, blockages and just not working.  And even when the surgery is successful, there's no telling what brain damage the fluid build up and pressure will have already caused.  So then we're faced with the decision, do we even risk the surgery?  It's awful to contemplate.  I honestly felt really stuck after that appointment.  On the drive home though, we stopped ourselves in our tracks and prayed and remembered that we have a Great God walking with us and guiding our steps.  I am a firm believer that if you are seeking God in your decisions, He is faithful and won't let you take the wrong path.  There's rest in that knowledge.  There's peace in that remembrance.  

The appointment on Tuesday with the Pediatric Neurologist just confirmed that way of thinking.  She went over the MRI with us in detail and had the opinion that at this point, with the things we know right now, there's no reason not to think that the shunt surgery could be successful and lead to our daughter having a pretty great qualitiy of life.  I specifically asked about outcomes she's seen with this amount of fluid already and she confirmed that she's still seen good outcomes.  

Of course, medical evidence or not, we know we always have a reason to hope, because our God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine.  If you know Jesus, but still struggle to have that hope, please let me know how I can encourage you.  Remember, our hope is not in the miracle we are waiting for, but in Jesus Himself and His goodness.  If you don't know Jesus and aren't even interested, please keep reading.  Your support is meaningful to me and my family. And feel free to ask me questions about how we can have this crazy hope!  It won't offend me, I promise.

If you are praying with us, please continue to pray for a miracle healing for our girl.  I'll be seeing both my new OB for normal pregnancy stuff and the Fetal Therapy team for ultrasound monitoring every other Monday.  Please pray for continued good brain growth and limited fluid increases.  We are hoping to be able to hold off on scheduling a c-section until around 38 weeks, so there's still a ways to go.  Pray that Seth and I would be able to fully cast our cares on God as we are in this time of waiting.  Pray for peaceful sleep.

Thanks for reading and praying.  Writing all of this out helps me immenesley and keeps me in the right mindset (and sometimes brings me back to the right mindset when I've wandered).  Love you.

He cried too

It's been a good week.  Life has felt pretty normal and we had a glorious 4 day weekend spent with friends and family.  We are so thankful for these bright moments.  

Yesterday was emotionally draining, but still good.  I met with some of the neonatal palliative care team over zoom yesterday.  The NICU Chaplain and 3 neonatologists from Hopkins were on the call.  No new information, just more support and details on possible scenarios once she's born.  It was extremely helpful to hear from the doctors who've seen babies in our situation and could give us some concrete possibilities and a better idea of what her first few days and weeks might look like.  It was also extremely hard and emotional to walk through the worst case scenarios and the decisions we could possibly be faced with.  I cried.  Like a lot.  Like ugly cries over the computer in front of people I just met.  And they sat with me and let me process.  It's weird, because I knew the range of possibilities, but walking through their reality was just a different experience.  The Doctors and Chaplain reiterated multiple times that they are hoping with us.  What an amazing group of people.  Although the call left me emotional for the rest of the day (and even a little still today), I also received new infusions of hope and support.  The Chaplain has texted since then to check in and give me her number and she wrote a long e-mail summarizing our call, since Seth wasn't able to attend. 

One thing that the Chaplain reminded me multiple times yesterday was to be kind and gentle with ourselves, as this is a very stressful and difficult journey.  Honestly, that's hard for me.  Because I've walked in the peace that God has brought me through your prayers, I feel sometimes like being emotional is letting myself down - failing at keeping my mind in the right place.   As I was praying through this yesterday, the thought came to me that you can fully trust Jesus and still just need Him to hold you sometimes.  And He wants to do that.  It's funny.  As I was medidating on that, my mom texted me a very similar thought.  

There are going to be triggers that I have to work through.  To be frank with you, the abortion discussion this past week that has been all over social media brings up some emotion, as termination of our pregnancy was one of the first options we were given when faced with our baby's possible prognosis.  In fact, even after we firmly shared with anyone who listened that we were firmly commited to our child and this pregnancy, wherever that led, doctors still left that option dangling.  I'm not trying to make any sort of political or moral judgement here at all.  I'm just encouraging anyone taking part in the debate to remember that there are real people behind these decisions and to speak with kindness.  Sorry for that aside.

There are going to be ups and downs on all of the roads that all of us walk, and there is a God Who's Name is Comforter.  In fact, Jesus knows and understands grief well.  He wept when Lazarus died, even knowing He would be alive again soon, even though He is God Himself.  

Thank you again for walking alongside us.  I am humbled when I think about all of the people praying for us.  Some ways to pray would be: 

Continued peace and comfort for our family

That I would baby able to carry the baby into December and as close to her due date as possible (being premature adds complications and would delay her shunt surgery)

Pray for Seth and I to be on the same page as we walk through difficult decisions we could need to make in the future

For a miraculous healing of her brain

That many would know God's goodness and greatness because of this sweet girl's life

Good does not always equal easy

 The past few days have been difficult emotionally for me.  I can't really explain why.  Nothing has changed.  No new appointments or information.  I still know that God is in control, He is good, His plans are good, He is love and He loves my family deeply.  None of that is different.  I know that it's true and I believe it with all my heart, but last week I was full of joy and this week I'm just weepy.  I guess sometimes, in the midst of His goodness, we are still faced with hard.  And He gives us the strength to keep moving forward.  

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."  I imagine that even though you won't be burned, it's probably still pretty hot walking through the fire.  I think this is such a good picture of the hard and the good together.  We are protected and safe.  He is walking this journey with us, but sometimes we'll still go through hot spots.

I think these are the times when it's the hardest to keep my eyes set on the One who holds all life in His hands, but when I'm able to it's so much easier to see the little miracles that He's working all around - like when a loved one shares just the right thing at just the right time.  Yesterday, my cousin was texting me and said "There is a reason God is letting you raise this baby."  That instantly brought me out of my weepy spiral back into the hope of God's good plan.  2 friends texted last night as I was growing a little sad and fearful before bed.  Just the right words at just the right time.  Seth's dad texted me this morning that he thought I might get some encouragement from a song by CeCe Winans - Believe for it.  He didn't know I've been struggling this week and he also didn't know about my blog post last week where I talked about that song popping up at multiple crucial times.  A friend also shared last week that she read that blog post last week before work one day and then it was playing the moment she started her car.  I could give you so many more examples of friends and family sending a devotional or verse that feels like it was written just for me in that moment.  

Thanks for reading this and walking with me.  It helps me so much to write these reminders out, and I hope it encourages you too, in whatever journey you are walking right now.  Community, both near and far, lifelong and recent - God definitely uses people to be His love notes to us.  In the past I've really had a hard time knowing what to do when friends and loved ones are struggling or just going through a difficult time.  I'm learning now that even if you don't think you know the right words, just reach out.  If something comes to mind that you think might help, ask specifically and directly if they would like you to do that for them.  The day we first found out the news, our close friend and pastor reached out and said, "Can we bring your family Sparticus pizza at 6 pm tonight?"  It was exaclty what we needed.  I couldn't have chosen what to eat or asked someone to bring us something.  (And this is not an underhanded way I'm requesting food, lol - We are good now - just an example of how something small can go a long way.)  So much love to all of you! 

Update

 A lot of people have been asking my how I'm feeling.  That's such a hard question to answer.  I guess the best answer is "a lot."  I just feel a lot right now.  Grateful, sad, hopeful, afraid, blessed, overwhelmed...and the list goes on.  

Yesterday was a super emotional day.  I sat down to journal and pray in the morning and went to look for a verse that has really comforted me in difficult times before.  The verse I was actually looking for was Psalm 27:13-14 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."  Instead - I ended up in Psalm 37 and was immediately drawn to the beginning of verse 7 which says "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.".  At this point I was sensing a theme.  Waiting is hard, but that is our current season, so we will do it and have peace for now.

I went to church and sobbed the whole way through (which, I don't recommend while wearing a mask).  When we started singing Cece Winans believe for it, the sobs came harder, as that was the exact song I listened to on the drive over.  Friends, the road is hard, but God is dropping us love notes all the time.  Then the message felt like it was just for me.  One of the questions posed was, "Is the object of your prayer the miracle itself, or the One who makes miracles?" Particularly relevant right now.  At the end of the service a teenager came to the front to share something that had been on her heart.  I wish I could repeat her words exactly, but she was talking about how God had been impressing on her the importance of waiting on Him and that there was someone who was in the middle of a battle that needed to hear that God is in the waiting.  So we wait :-)

I went into today's appointment with the Fetal Therapy doctors at Hopkins with the mindset of continuing to wait, knowing that we have surrended it all to God.  It was a LONG ultrasound (baby girl is a wiggle worm like her big brother).  That definitely created some anxiety to fight off.  When we finally got to sit down with the doctor though, the news was actually somewhat optimistic.  The situation hadn't changed.  Still way to much fluid. But, it appears that the cause of the fluid is most likely the result of an aqueductal stenosis - a blockage between the 3rd and 4th ventricles of her brain.  This is really the best cause we could hope for, because it means her brain wants to develop, the fluid just won't let it.  So, when she's born, the pediatric neurosurgeon will place a shunt in her brain to drain the fluid and we'll see how her brain develops from there.  The prognosis could vary greatly, but if this is actually what's going on, it's not fatal.  We'll continue to pray for complete miraculous healing of her brain.  The doctor said she has seen blockages resolve on their own before, but never in a case this severe.  But God...We know He is in control of this entire process and will bring about His good plan.  And we have hope.  And peace, no matter what the outcome is.

It's not a coincidence that we are in a town with some of the best medical care we could have.  It's not a coincidence the songs and verses the Lord puts in my heart at just the right time.  It's not a coincidence when someone reaches out, just when we need that encouragement.  

I'm so grateful that He draws near in the middle of our deepest fears.  We are so thankful for your support, encouragement and prayers and are excited that you are joining us in seeing what God does. 💗

Why not Me?

 After 5 years of waiting, we finally had the result we had been hoping and praying for...I was pregnant! Colton would be a big brother!  We would be a family of 4.  After just moving out of our townhouse into a home with room to expand, we were going to do just that.  Now, the year is 2021, so COVID, in addition to walking through countless hardships with friends and family over the past 2 years, has caused me to not place very much confidence in the things of this world.  The good and the bad are all very temporary and any control we think we have is actually very little.  So we were cautiously hopeful.

I had some complications early on, but was assured by my doctors that there was no harm to the baby and things were still going well for us.  We told those close to us at that point so they could pray with us.  From week 5 on, we've had a community praying for this sweet child's health and life.  I'd love for you to join us in that prayer.

Early last week we received some very tough news about our new baby.  At our 20 week anatomy scan ultrasound we found out that our baby's brain was not developing properly.  The first thing the doctor said when she walked in the room were the 3 words you never want to hear a doctor say - "I'm so sorry."  Cue shock and confusion.  What is there to be sorry about?  We just saw all 10 fingers and all 10 toes.  A nose and sweet little lips.  Kindneys!  Their heart beating away with no problems.  We saw the brain for goodness sakes.  Unfortunately, we didn't realize that all that black we saw in the brain wasn't tissue, it was an extreme amount of fluid.  The medical term is severe ventriculomegaly.  In fact, it's very severe.  At this stage in development, doctors expect to see less that 10 mm of fluid, closer to 6.  At 15 mm, they classify it as severe.  Our baby had 17.7.  A very small amount of tissue could be seen around the very outer rim.  Until we figure out a cause (which could be so many different things), we won't have a prognosis, but in this doctor's estimation, the likelihood of a healthy child was minimal.  

"Now, we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19 We believe our God is bigger that this issue.  We believe He is the ultimate healer and we have hope that He will miraculously heal our baby.  It's a strange thing to hold supernatural hope and and hard reality in the same hand, but that's what we're doing.  We won't bury our heads in the sand and hope it goes away.  We will proceed with testing (although there is absolutely nothing they can do to help while the baby is in utero) so we will have an idea of what kind of care the baby will possibly need when they are born.  

We are counting our blessings.  We live so close to one of the best hopsitals in the world, so we are thankful we'll be able to work with the amazing doctors and pediatric surgeons at Johns Hopkins Hospital.  It's not a coincidence that Seth's sister happens to work with those very surgeons and she has already been an invaluable help in getting advice and resources for us (and just being an incredible support).  It's also not a coincidence that my dear friend is friends with a doctor there who's team will be providing us direct care.  We already have so many friends and family on our team and praying for us and those prayers our working.  I am living and not hiding in my bed right now, and I have been able to sleep peacefully at night.  If you know me and my heart that tends towards anxiousness, you know those are miracles resulting directly from prayers.  Seth is off this month and we already had a vacation planned this week - time to reflect, decompress and press in to God.  Our almost 5 year old continues to thrive and bring joy at every turn.  My job is extremely flexible and my coworkers are amazingly supportive and understanding.  We are reminded by friends and family all day every day that we are loved and are not alone.  This all helps us keep our focus on the One who carries us through all of our troubles.  

I'm not going to sugarcoat it...that sadness and fear frequently still creep into my mind and heart.  Everytime Colton kisses my belly and talks to the baby, it takes everything I have not to collapse into a pile of sobs.  When I feel the baby practice their karate moves one me, I used to burst with joy, and now it reminds me of the uncertainty we face.  And sometimes in the quiet moments, it's just hard.  I think about things like - should I still set up the nursey? What will Christmas look like now (we are due on 12/26)?  I pass out at hospitals, how in the world will I care for a medically fragile baby?  Will I even bring my baby home from the hospital?  None of this is helpful I know - and none of it is even true - we have NO idea what God has planned.  I medidate on this verse, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippains 4:8.  This is right after he tells us not to be anxious for anything but to bring our requests to God with thankfulness.  The truth is that God loves us and loves this baby and that this journey is hard, but He promises to walk us through it.  

I haven't really asked Why Me? Why Us?.  I think the temptation is there, but before this even happened, I would sometimes ask, "Why not us?"  I've seen the worst of the worst happen to the best of the best. It's not fair, but that's across the board.  I don't want this to be happening.  This is not the road we would have chosen, but I'm so thankful God is meeting us here and we are experiencing Him in an even deeper way.  

So for now we wait.  A pediatric neurosurgeon told Seth's sister that the best thing we could do is try to live our lives as normal as possible.  Please pray with us in this waiting.  For God to fully heal our baby on this earth.  For strength and peace as we wait.  For closeness to Him as we continue on this journey.  For Colton, that we could explain things in the right way and the right time and that his faith would grow.  

Thanks for reaching out and checking on us.  It makes a huge difference when we're reminded that we're not alone.

Love is kind

The train was late.  The crowd was already getting uncomfortably close.  Inconvenience began to boil up inside her.  Next to her, the man was mumbling.  Talking to himself or trying to communicate with her, she couldn't be certain.  Train, please come quickly.  She took the steps onto the train directly behind his tall, malnourished frame, one slow step at a time.  Her heart softened.  As they entered the crowded aisle together, strangers began offering this elderly gentleman their seats.  He preferred to stand.  Their kindness settled inside her and brought a smile to her face.  At the next stop, seats opened up and she found herself next to him, sharing a seat with his bag of books from the library.  She smelled that sweet alcohol smell as he apologized in his soft mumbled words for taking up so much room and told her about how his mother always made him give up his seat for ladies.  He made her uncomfortable.  She had to get close to understand his speech and the sun was in her eyes as she looked his way.  Not wanting to be rude, she smiled and nodded.  The plastic bag on his lap was giving him trouble; his swollen fingers couldn't wrestle the knot open.  Minutes passed as the verse played in her mind "Love is patient, love is kind..."  "Sir, can I help you with that?," she finally asked.  "Oh no, I can get it, but thank you so much.  You are so nice."  The struggle continues as soda cans drop from the bag and roll to the seat behind them.  She turns around and the ladies behind them return her smile as they load up her arms with the goodies that reached their feet.  One can springs a leak as it hits the ground.  He holds it still with his bright white tennis shoes until he can manage to open the bag.  This time, he lets her give the knot a try.  He notices the ease in which she works out the knot, and showers her with thank you's and blessings as she fills the bag back up with the sodas, cigarettes and candies that had escaped.  She shows him the hole in the bottom of the bag and they work together to rearrange his books (his most prized possession, he tells her) to secure his bag of snacks.  It's still hard to understand him, but he's expressing his surprise that someone would actually help him; his gratitude - that he'd still be working on the knot if not for a friend to lend a hand.  "I hope your husband knows he's got a good woman!  And I'm not trying to be fresh.  This is the nicest train ride I've ever had."  As the train slowly pulls into the station, she wishes him well and tries to steer clear of the Pepsi puddle near her feet.  The train starts moving and she feels a tap on her shoulder from behind.  "That was really nice of you.  Most people wouldn't do that.  Thank you."  Embarrassed, she responds "No need to thank me.  Just been wondering if it would actually make a difference if we all tried to love each other a little better.  Thought I would give it a try."  She feels awkward, but maybe, hopefully, it will remind people of good and love and beauty.  And that it's not that hard.  They share a certain bond as the soles of their shoes, sticky from the man's soda, noisily exit the train at their stop.  And they go home changed by a simple interaction with a man, his books and his plastic bag.

...yet beauty remains

I haven't felt too inspired to blog lately, but today, as I was letting the darkness of my city's situation and all of the media hype overwhelm me, God gave me a little tap on the shoulder.  I thought I would share...

I've been glued to the news coverage of the riots in Baltimore - frustration, sadness, anger, annoyance, disbelief - all emotions running through me.  Lately, I've been catching myself saying "This world is becoming an ugly place.  What's going to happen next?"  Today I felt that gentle nudge that God gives you when He wakes you up from your self involvement.  As clear as day, I felt that still small voice tell me, "What's going to happen next?  Valerie, you already know how this ends.  Just a few weeks ago you celebrated it.  When Jesus overcame death, He overcame the world and the powers of darkness.  He proved that He is the only One with power in this world.  Don't forget this, He has already defeated the powers of Hell - now live like it!"

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

It's so easy to let the darkness overwhelm us, but we know that where there's light, darkness has to flee.  Light has power over darkness.  We see it in science; if you light a candle in a dark room, the light always overcomes the darkness.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it" John 1:5

The images that we see on Facebook and TV are ugly.  But there is still so much beauty.  I've seen people posting beautiful prayers.  I've heard strangers on the light rail promote peace among one another.  I've seen true reconciliation.  Yet it's still much easier to focus on the ugly.  As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression,  I know this all too well.  When we focus on the good, though, the bad gets so much smaller.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  Philippians 4:8

So, how do we do this?  To me, the answer is clear - Love.  I won't quote Rob Bell and say "Love Wins" (because truthfully, I haven't read the book and don't want to get into a debate), but I do know that the Bible tells us this: Love never fails! (1 Corinthians 13:8)  The Light of the World lives in those who believe.  He certainly doesn't need us to be light, but He allows us that privilege.  Let's be light and show love together.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

How would things be different if I was more patient and kind; if I stopped envying others and put an end to my boastfulness and pride?  What if I honored others above myself and didn't get angry, but let things go?  Whould it promote change if I didn't buy into the media hype that "delights in evil" but remained constant in speaking truth?  Can I be more protecting of those more vulnerable, trusting, hopeful and persevering?  Want to try it with me?

Thank You

Nurses.  There are quite a few of them in my life.  These two in the picture are two of my favorites (my mom and sister.)

Growing up, I would have told you that having a mom who is also a nurse wasn't that awesome (sorry mom!)  You see, there was no staying home from school unless there was vomit or a fever.  And when I did get to stay home, it was not fun and games.  Rest and fluids were the rule.  Of course this was the absolute best thing, but as a kid - no fun!  (Although, when throw up and fever were involved, I can honestly say I didn't feel like doing much else!)  Let me add, when penicillin was required, my sis and I always got the shot in the rear, rather than pills, because mom knew it worked faster.  Again, NOT FUN, but yes, the best choice.

So, knowing nurses my entire life has created in me a level of respect.  I have seen how hard my mom worked and now I see my sister's dedication to this career.  In fact, I would have loved to be a nurse if it weren't for my passing out reaction to hospitals.  I've had roommates who are nurses and good friends as well - all amazing people and ridiculously hard workers.  Recently though, my respect has been brought to a whole new level.

For a few months, my husband and I have been preparing for a surgery he put off for a few years.  It didn't seem like a huge deal - simple outpatient procedure, recovery time at home and physical therapy.  First lesson for Val - outpatient does not equal simple.  Second lesson - recovery time is not easy for anyone involved (not that it isn't way worse for him).  I used to think my job was exhausting (aka sitting in front of a computer) until I worked from home the day after his surgery to help him.  Man, do I take sitting down for granted.  Between helping him get comfortable, food and drink, medicine every 4 hours, ice, actually cooking (this is usually his domain) and just keeping up with the regular household chores, I couldn't sit for longer than a few minutes before being needed again.  He in no way asked for anything unreasonable, I just was not prepared.  I also wasn't prepared for the emotional toll it would take.  Seeing someone hurting and being helpless to make it better stinks!!!  I burst into tears at one point, because I couldn't help him move from a chair to the couch without causing excruciating pain.

How do you nurses do it?  You are so calm and cool under pressure and yet still gentle and caring.  Plus, you are really stinking smart!

So, if you are a nurse - I love you! Thank you for what you do.  And if you know a nurse, tell them thank you and give them a hug!  Thank God for them too!

Let's pray for the 2 nurses who contracted Ebola in Dallas as well.  No hysterics here, but these women are paying a very high price for doing their job.

Thinking about my dad

My family stays pretty busy, so we almost never celebrate holidays when they actually occur.  This year, my sister's birthday and Father's Day both fell on the same weekend, which also happened to be the first weekend of my parents's vacation this summer.  Don't worry, we celebrated a week ahead of time and I remembered to wish them happiness on their actual special days.

I am so happy that my parents are enjoying exploring the US and seeing new sites and taking time off work to be together.  They both work soooo hard and are the greatest examples I could have asked for.

Yesterday at church, during our prayer time, we were led to reflect a little on Father's Day.  The pastor mentioned great memories we have of our dad's, perhaps some of the great gifts they've given us - just like our Heavenly Father has given us the greatest gift of all time...the gift of life through His Son, Jesus.  I don't discount this truth at all and I can never express my thankfulness for that gift of eternity!!  My earthly dad gives great gifts as well.  One of the things that stands out to me is his generosity.  What really sparks my memory, when I think about my dad though, is the TIMES we've had together.  While he gives great gifts, the gift of his time is my favorite.  Family dinners where I laugh so hard I cry...exploring Civil War Battlegrounds...watching movies...sailing...bike rides...Ocean City in the summer...and the list goes on.  Dad, you are the best! (I know so many others think this about their Dad too.  Isn't it great how God knew just the right Dad for us?  I so enjoyed reading all the posts on FB yesterday.)  (And not to leave my mom out - I didn't post on Mother's Day.  She is the MOST hard working, genuine, tenderhearted, smart, caring, God loving and fun women out there!!!  I am soooooo thankful for her as well!)

So, back to church yesterday.  I focused more on time with my dad rather than the great gifts he's given me, and then applied this to my Heavenly Dad.  The gift of eternal life is central to it all and it brings me to the fact that because of this great gift, I can actually spend time with Him.  Because of the gift of Christ's sacrifice, I can have a real relationship with my Creator and Father.  He actually pursues ME to spend time with me.  How crazy is that!!  The idea that the God of the Universe desires to spend time with me and have a relationship with me is more than I can fathom.  Just think on that for a second...He sees the depths of your heart, the good the bad and the ugly, and still runs to you.  He accepts you and LOVES YOU just as you are.  Sit with that joy today!!

A little all over the place

I'll admit it, sometimes I can be a little too emotional.  Yes, the words "Drama Queen" may have been attached to me before.  I hate being a crier.  Interestingly, my "drama" and tears are usually the result of frustration, rather than sadness.  Regardless of the reason, I really want to be able to hold it together a little better.  At the beginning of this month I blurted out to my boyfriend "This is going to be no cry April for me!  No tears this month."  He chuckled and I think his exact response was, "I'll believe when I see it!"

As I sit here, I want to be strong so badly, but I also want to put my face in my pillow and sob.  And let me be candid with you right now...although I do cry frequently, it is rarely because of tragedy happening outside of my immediate little world sphere.  I certainly feel sadness, shock, anger and confusion when tragedy strikes, like the horrible shootings with so many innocent children and adults losing their lives, but my heart does not break like God's does for those hurting.  I pray for comfort for those who experience horrific losses.  I rejoice when tragedy brings out the best in people, and you see goodness that has been dormant.  But sometimes, I just can't truly relate.  I am not by any means a marathon runner, but I know how it feels to cross that finish line after hours of running.  I know how it feels to wriggle my way to the front of crowds of bystanders to cheer a friend on as they accomplish their own goal!  And I want to throw up when I mix those amazing memories with bombs exploding.

I'm not saying I strive to be a blubbering mess whenever bad things happen.  I believe God is sovereign.  He is a GOOD God.  And I promise you, what the bomber(s) meant for evil, "God meant it for good." Genesis 50:20.  Joseph said this to his brothers, who tried to kill him out of jealousy and left him for dead.  Years later, he is in a position of prominence and is able to save his people from a terrible famine.  His brothers are afraid, but this is what he tells them.  God Always works for the good of those who love Him. Romans 8:28. There is hope.  And I hold onto that hope.   And at the same time, I ask God to continue to break my heart like His breaks for the pain in this world.

I think part of my reaction today is due to the setting.  I think another part is how close to home this really is. I was reminded that there are bombings like this all over the world nearly daily.  God's heart breaks for each of His beloved children.  It's overwhelming how big the pain in the world is.  It's mind blowing how broken the human race continues to be.  My brokenness is just a tiny reflection of how God's heart breaks for the broken.  God longs to reconcile the world back to Himself.  Even if you aren't a follower of Christ we pretty much all know the verse "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."  John 3:16  He has already reconciled the world to Him through the cross.  We just celebrated Easter.  He is RISEN!  Let's live like it.  "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation" 2 Corinthians 5:17-19

God sent His Son, Jesus, so that we can be reconciled to Him, and as a result of that, we now practice the ministry of reconciliation.  God wants us all to experience His peace.  

There is so much ugliness in the world right now.  But there is beauty also.  For those of us who know the beauty of Christ in our lives, who know the redemption and peace of that Easter Sunday, we need to reflect that beauty to the world.  

So along with no cry April, I hope to strive each day to intentionally reflect the beauty of God in my life.  Who's with me?

When winter is alright with me

I hate being cold.  It hasn't been above freezing here in about a week.  Thankfully, my fantastic friend brought me a bunch of wood right before the cold front came through.  Thankfully, I have a fireplace in my basement.  Thankfully, I have a boyfriend who builds the best fires (and will go outside to retrieve the wood when the weather is in the teens.)

Thankfully, I just got an iPhone to capture the joy!
Thankfully, we had the Xgames and hockey to watch this week (while we sat by the fire).  Thankfully, it even snowed a little!

Thankfully - it should get up to the 50's this week :-)

Why I Run

I used to run to try to lose weight.  Then I realized I ate too much to lose weight, so I changed my motivation ...not to gain weight! This worked pretty well.  I didn't LOVE running, but it was an easy and quick way to get a work out in and not get fattER.  :-)  I entered a few team relay races, and although I was nowhere close to fast, I would compete with myself for faster times each race.

Then I couldn't run anymore.  In fact, I could barely walk.  I had been complaining about a weird pain in my foot for a few months when it became unbearable.  My foot was so swollen I couldn't wear shoes and any pressure on it was extremely painful.  I went from doctor to doctor and after another few months, I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis (an auto-immune disease similar to rheumatoid arthritis, but not usually affecting as many joints.)  Mine was just in my left foot.  After a couple more months of trying to figure out the right treatment plan I started to feel better.  I went from being constantly tired and uncomfortable to having energy again!  At this point, my 30th birthday was looming.  After months of sitting/laying around and hobbling let's just say I wasn't in the best shape.  I wasn't about to leave my 20's and enter a new decade like that.  I found out there was a half marathon that literally went right by my house that was the day before my 30th birthday.  A handful of my girlfriends decided to run too, in solidarity, and even more friends cheered us on.  Then I was running to prove to myself that nothing could stop me - not the dreaded 30's and certainly not arthritis!  I hung on to Philippians 4:13

" I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"

It was a REALLY tough run, but I was so thankful I was able to finish.

I guess the lazy bug bit me and I stopped running.  Last summer I got to my heaviest weight and was just tired of it.  A couple of friends were joining Weight Watchers so I tried it.  I shared before that it really worked for me.  I lost over 30 pounds.  During the winter I started running again and was amazed at how fast I could run and how much easier it was with 30 less pounds on my body.  People at work started talking about running in the Baltimore Running Festival and using that as an opportunity to raise awareness and funds for World Relief.  They were even able to set it up as a fundraiser for those who wanted to be involved.  I don't talk about my job a whole lot on here, but I absolutely love it!!  The mission of World Relief is to empower the church to serve the most vulnerable.  That couldn't align more with my passions and beliefs in life AND I get to work on my dorky spreadsheets while serving this mission.  We are connecting churches and giving tools to the churches around the world to help those who are the most oppressed - like women and children.  I was already bordering losing too much weight, so I certainly didn't need to run for that reason any more and I had already proved nothing could stop me, but I was motivated this time just because it's something I CAN do!  I run because I'm able...because I have food to nourish my body, because I have shoes to protect my feet and legs from injury, because I have free time to train.  The people we serve don't have these luxuries.  Some don't have food to feed their children, or any pairs of shoes.  They spend their days doing hard manual labor if they are able.

Those who are familiar with World Relief know that we STAND for the Vulnerable.  I'd like to think in this instance that I'm running for them!

Here's a link if you'd like to help me!  You can also find out more about what World Relief does and other ways to get involved by clicking here!
http://worldrelief.org/page.aspx?pid=3312&tab=0&frsid=514

Oh, and I have to mention - I got new running shoes a few weeks ago...

I'm not gonna lie - looking down at those Ravens colors sometimes helps keep me going :-)

Wow

Thank you all for sharing your struggles with me too!  I think one of the reasons God created us to live in community is so that we can encourage each other just like this!  Life isn't easy, and I know some people struggle more than I can even imagine - but no one is alone!  I felt so encouraged by the people who sent me kind words and shared their stories with me.  You all are awesome!  


So...while I don't want any of you to fall into the trap of obsession with food and exercising, I was thinking it might be fun to share some links/tools that help me make good choices in my journey to stay healthy.  I want to take some pictures, so that post will be coming soon.  


Do you all read any blogs or frequent any websites or have any helpful tips for living a healthy lifestyle?  Maybe we can include them in the comments of that post.  It's amazing how much great stuff is out there!  i love reading about people's journeys - our stories have some much power to encourage others!


It's also amazing how much crazy stuff is out there!  Do you know there are blogs dedicated solely to tearing down other people who blog?  There are people researching other's lives, making guesses about what mistake they'll make next.  Seems like so much energy you could direct somewhere else!


I feel like I'm starting to get a little rambly, so I will leave you with a verse that I was praying through this morning... 


Search me, God, and know my heart; 
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24


Like I said, one thing that really makes me anxious is food, and that is not how God wants me to live.  Thank the Lord, He IS leading me in the way everlasting, so I can look at things like this and still feel relaxed...

Cupcake wars at work. AMAZING!

Dinner at my dear friends'.  They are amazing, generous and talented women of God!

Inspiration

I don't take really great pictures.  I don't always have funny anecdotes to share.  I don't have thoughtful political ideas to theorize.  I guess I just haven't been feeling very inspired to blog lately.

Since I've lost weight , a number of people have told me that I have inspired them to lose weight and get healthy.  That is amazing and humbling.  Don't get me wrong, I love helping to motivate someone to be more healthy, but it really made me examine my own motives for getting skinny.  I think it started out to be more healthy.  Before I lost weight, I was slightly "overweight", but was active and pretty much healthy and happy in all other respects.  My goal was to get into a healthy weight range.  I started going to Weight Watchers, attending meetings and logging my "points" in online.  I had great encouragement from friends doing Weight Watchers too - sharing recipes and meals and helpful words.  But like many things in life, too much of a good thing can sort of turn you upside down.  I was very successful with my weight loss and felt so good about the control I had over my eating and working out.  I was good at losing weight and I became obsessed.  I reached the goal that I had set (about 15 lbs above the low end of the range for someone my height), which I felt like I could maintain without feeling deprived.  I did 6 weeks of maintenance and lost about a pound more, which was still right on track.  Over the course of 4 months I lost about 10 more pounds as I obsessed about every piece of food I put in my mouth and paid my penance at the gym.  My boyfriend has been encouraging me, almost since the time we met, to chill out about it.  My mom gets frustrated with me when I bring food to her house.  My friends ask me to go out to eat or e-mail me about their concern.  And I love them for it.  And I know it's a problem.  And slowly, but surely, I am changing and letting go of control, but it's a long road for me.  I am proud of the weight I lost, and will probably gain a little bit back as I let go of control, which is hard for me to think about, but I know it's good.  (I am NOT buying anymore new clothes though!  This whole losing weight thing could break the bank!)  I learned GREAT tools from Weight Watchers about choices and moderation, which I am trying to put into practice without obsessing anymore.  I pray daily that in ALL areas of my life, I would release control and give it to God.  Seriously, I have to ask for this every morning.

I only say all this to request that you don't use me as your inspiration to "get skinny,"  although if you see me make healthier choices and think "I can do that too," then by all means, go for it.  And to those who have told me I've inspired them - THANK YOU!  Your words definitely encouraged me and even now are helping me to get healthier.  I thank the Lord that I am healthy and fit and able to do so many things.  I would much rather be an inspiration, though, to leverage a healthy body for God's glory.  Rather than "she's skinny", I want to hear, "she has a lot of energy to serve the Lord."  Actually, don't tell me that, just use your energy for the same!
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ Mark 12:30


I hope my story will inspire you as well to seek the Lord in the areas where we fail and let him lift us up!
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13


I don't have it together.  I don't get it right even half the time, but thank the Lord, He never lets me go.  


And just to give you a little taste of my progress - 

This was dessert on Saturday night, and thank the Lord I didn't even feel guilty!  :-)


Like me, you may not take the best photographs, or have the most interesting opinions, but your story is worth sharing!!